While I was in graduate school, earning a master's in education, I read about Ivan Pavlos' study of experimental behavioral conditioning. He took hold of the technique of conditioning as a standard of a behaviorist approach to psychology. He worked primarily with dogs, giving positive stimuli to direct them to approach his goal of whatever he was attempting the animal to master.
The essence of Behavior Therapy is clearly from the theory. If certain behaviors exist because they reacquire by practice or learned - they might be amenable to unlearning - in some manner, whereby the desired behavior can become quite the opposite of what is exhibited in the person.
The following non-defensive communication is very similar to conditioning. Approaching sensitive situations, armed with the following skills, can help you become a successful communicator. Like anything else, it takes practice. First comes the awareness that something is amiss. Look at what to avoid what is outlined below. This will give you an idea of what you may be dealing with - a person trying to gain the upper hand by mediocre means.
We are using non-defensive communication when we ask question, make statements and predict consequences in an open, sincere way without trying to control how other people respond. We can gather accurate information, speak with clarity, protect ourselves, and hold other more accountable. People are more likely to respect us, and we can strengthen personal and professional relationships.
Purpose: To gather thorough information to understand accurately what the person means, believes, or feels.
Example: If someone acts upset, the first step is to simply ask the person directly about you own assumptions so s/he can confirm, deny or qualify, for example, “Are you irritated (frustrated, angry, upset) about something?”
Avoid: Using a question to express you own opinion to entrap others.
Purpose: The first three steps are to state neutrally our subjective interpretation of 1) what we hear the other person saying, 2) any contradictions we see (perceive) in the person’s overt and covert messages. The fourth step is no neutral and is to 4) fully express our own reactions, our feelings, beliefs and reasons.
Example: If the person continues to act irritable and yet denies it when asked, saying harshly, “I’m fine!” We might respond with this four-part statement.
Avoid: Stating opinion as fact or trying to convince others agree.
Purpose: To create boundaries and security be telling another person ahead of time how we will react if s/he does make a certain choice, and how we will react if s/he does not make that choice.
Example: If the person still acts upset and continues to deny it, after hearing our statement, saying “I fine, there’s no problem!”, we can set a limit using and “If … then” sentence:
“If you would like to tell me what’s going, then I’d like to hear it.”
“If you don’t want to tell me, then I don’t want to try to make you.”
Avoid: Using a consequence prediction to coax, punish, or falsely threaten others.
*Copyright 1994 Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, Sharon Ellison, M.S.
(August it the month of my late father’s, Clifford Broduer Bachand, birthday. He was a real force to our introduction to life's societal norms. His pride and joy were is children and grandchildren. Although a retired superior court judge, he felt raising a family his most admirable achievement.)
Memory shells from "Carmel by the Sea"
Wash upon the shore
Sand dollars
Spend their currency
Abiding by the laws of nature
Captivated by the crushing
Of white horses
We step in tune to the nautical West
The sunset glimmering on a thirsty ocean
Our footsteps walk through time hand-in-hand
A father strolling with his golden-haired daughter
Collecting sea-worthy pocket pebbles
Tossed in plain blue buckets
Its chatter sounds the "chow-down" gong
As they sojourned round the campsite
Children pounce with the patience of a swift cat
Stealth hands grabbing popping sodas
Crunching on baked goods from a gourmet basket
And they bide their time until the sun rests
Til' the clock slots to the next