On the “home” link to this blog, I mention that a psychologist told me that my very thinking patterns would shift while I was recovering from my first – and biggest – psychological break. My communication skills were more than fair, but the concepts below were somewhat new to my speech repertoire. Sometimes, when I felt like I was up against the wall because of family resistance against of how I thought it was best to live my life, it felt as if I were throwing a stone and it was bouncing off the Rock of Gibraltar. Then, another family member would approach the person I was having trouble with and get through to them. I feel that if I had utilized some of the techniques (below), they would have assisted me in improving the effectiveness of my communication skills. I learned these over time and would like to share them with you now.
We are using non-defensive communication when we ask questions, make statements and predict consequences in an open, sincere way without trying to control how other people respond. We can gather accurate information, speak with clarity, protect ourselves, and hold others accountable. People are more likely to respect us, and we can strengthen personal and professional relationships.
1. ASK QUESTIONS: NATURE: curious, open, innocent, neutral, inviting
PURPOSE: To gather thorough information to understand accurately what the person means, believes, or feels.
EXAMPLE: If someone acts upset, the first step is to simply ask the person directly about you own assumption so she/he can confirm, deny, or qualify, for example, “Are you irritated (frustrated, angry, upset) about something?”
2. MAKE STATEMENTS: NATURE: open, direct, vulnerable, subjective, descriptive
PURPOSE: The first three steps are to state neutrally our subjective interpretation of 1) what we hear the other person saying, 2) any contradictions we see (perceive) in the person’s tone, body language, and words, and 3) our conclusions regarding the person’s overt and covert messages. The fourth step is not neutral and is to 4) fully express our own reactions, and feelings, beliefs, and reasoning.
EXAMPLE: If the person continues to act irritable and yet denies it when asked, saying harshly, “I’m fine!” we might respond with this four-part statement:
· Hear: “When I hear you saying that you are in a good mood
· See: and (at the same time) I see that you are rolling your eyes and shrugging
· Conclude: then I believe that something is wrong, but you don’t want to tell me
· Reaction: and so, I feel frustrated and am not sure if I should ask you more questions or leave you alone.”
AVOID: Stating opinion as fact or trying to convince others to agree.
3. PREDICT CONSEQUENCES: NATURE: protective, foretelling, neutral, definitive, firm
· PURPOSE: To create boundaries and security by telling another person ahead of time how we will react if s/he does make a certain choice, and how we will react if s/he does not make that choice.
· EXAMPLE: If the person still acts upset and continues to deny it, after hearing our statement saying, “I am fine, there’s no problem!”, we can set a limit by using a “If … then” sentence
· “If you would like to tell me what’s going on, then I’d like to hear it.”
· “If you don’t want to tell me, then I don’t wan t to try and make you.”
· AVOID: Using a consequence prediction to coax, punish, or false threaten others.
*Copyright 1994 Powerful Non-Defensive Communications, Sharon Ellison, M.S.
(July was the birthday month of my late mother, Dorothy Rossick Bachand. In her memory here are two poems written on her behalf. Her distinctive priorities were that of her husband and her family, both unpopular in what was probably referred to as "the social enlightenment period" for women and people of different heritages, in the nineteen-seventies and eighties - California's Bay Area. Although considered educationally advanced, she chose to be a stay-at-home mother.)
Day after day
We played away
Light colored rooms
Were our castles
Feelings of continuity
Toys that we assembled
We laid out like artwork
That speckled the floor with happiness
Time was blissfully
Ticking in rhythm
Marching to our heart's beating
In unison, a band of seven
A mother’s influence
Would set the stage
Moving with our creative space
Of her frolicking children
How did we know
That one day we would arise
Older than Time's allotment
Youth's allowance spent
For time was like a bubble,
Our protector made it so
One evening, the clock struck midnight
And all told, it propelled her children to the New Age
Off to college and the studied days
Celebrating triumphant graduations
One by one the seven of us traversed intellectual plains
To go on to lead lives of ancestral dreams
by Karen Anne Bachand
Twilight of death's moment
We remember thee
There was a time
You couldn't stay away any longer
And took our mother into what she felt was an unknown hinterland
She became aware
That her moment would be coming soon
The doubts still with her if she had lived right
Like filling out a questionnaire
Ticking off boxes that wouldn't illuminate really anything
Although she was determined to review her life's path
Twilight of death's moment
We will always love thee, mother
Missing you always
Passing memories between us
Happily, like sweet chirping birds
May you rest in peace